Hamlet Part 7: Sunday has Moved to Friday

Okie dokie artichokies, it's time for some Shakespeare. I know I promised you some on Sunday, but, to be fair, I didn't say WHICH Sunday. Maybe I was planning on posting a different Sunday? Or maybe I just forgot and I am trying to cover up my asshole ways with smoke and mirrors? Hmmm... The world may never know. Also, I'm pretty sick and doped up on cough syrup, so this may or not make the most sense in the world. Anyway... Hamlet!

Act 4 Scene 4

Alrighty, this in another short scene. This is the first scene that doesn't take place in Denmark. At first, we are presented with Fortinbras, the leader of the Norse army that is fighting Denmark over something or other. The war isn't super important except as a metaphor and to provide Hamlet with a reason to change from being a wishy-washy asshat to being a take-charge asshat. Anyway, Fortinbras. Which is an awesome name, to be honest. One of you should name your child that. Go on. Do it. Fortinbras wants an audience with Claudius in order to pay him respect. I thought they were at war? What the fuck? Okay, I totally didn't just cheat and google it. Apparently, Dead King Hamlet killed Old Fortinbras (Fortinbras's father, of course) and seized control of Norway. Fortinbras is apparently biding is time until he can attack Denmark and take back what is his (Norway). Fortinbras is in charge of protecting a worthless piece of land against Poland. I guess they  are at war, but with Poland. Why does everyone want to conquer Poland? What beef does everyone have with them?

Okay, Hamlet pops into the scene. Fortinbras probably isn't Hamlet's biggest fan, all things considered. Hamlet is struck by the assignment that Fortinbras and his men are charged with. Why defend a useless and worthless piece of land that isn't big enough to bury the dead should it come to war? What is the point? Hamlet takes this as an opportunity to soliloquize all over the place. He

Good job, you identified your major flaw.

identifies his main problem - his tendency to talk himself out of action. He calls himself a coward and points out his fear of death. He then resolved to be less like that, saying, "O, from this time forth/My thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth!" Okay, we're going to finally see some action from Hamlet.

One Out of Two Aint Bad

I owe the douche jar for this malarkey.

Okay, so... I didn't post an update. I had a job interview in Seattle, so I moseyed my ginger ass up there at 11 this morning and didn't get back until about an hour ago. I'm really really tired and kinda grumpy, so I'm going to forego Shakespeare for tonight. Also, for tomorrow. We're having a birthday party for my momma, so I won't be around to post. However, Sunday is an attractive option. I hereby
swear to post an update on Sunday. If I fail (and considering my track record, it's more than possible) you are all invited to kick me. Sound like a deal?

TLDR: No update today. Come back Sunday. There will be something here Sunday. Hopefully Shakespeare.

Until Sunday, Happy Reading

Hamlet Part 6: Everyone is a Sneaky Liar

Are you ready, kids? [Aye, aye, Captain!] Oooooh.... Who lives in Denmark and is kinda crazy?! Literally everyone in this play. That doesn't rhyme, but it is hella accurate.

Now that that little bit of weirdness is out of the way, 'tis time for some Hamlet to slake thine lust.

Act 4 Scene 1

Okie dokie, in this scene, Gertrude meets up with Claudius and immediately tells Claudius that Hamlet killed Polonius. Which is, if you remember back to the last scene, exactly what she told Hamlet she would not do. So... there's that. No one ever does what they say they will in this play. That's probably why everyone dies. I'd say "spoiler alert," but this play was written in 1601. If you

This works for all the tragedy plays, really.

don't know how it ends, that's kinda your problem. Anyway, R +G are also there, but they don't speak and are quickly shooed away.

Claudius asks Gertrude what Hamlet is doing now. Apparently, he has gone to dismember Polonius's body and hide it. Because that is a totally normal thing to do. I retract what I said in the last Hamlet update. Hamlet is fucking crazy. But he comes by it naturally. Everyone in this play is fucking nuts and really bad at planning shit out. Foresight is, apparently, not a royal trait.

Claudius calls R + G back into the scene and tells them to go find Hamlet and get him to tell them where he hid the body. They are to then take the body to the chapel and make it quick. They leave (again, without saying a word) and Claudius points out the Hamlet is a nut and that they should probably be careful to not end up in his cross-hairs. No shit, Sherlock.

I Owe You All an Apology

shit. Fuck. Cock. I fucked up. I totally forgot to post yesterday. I had work and then fucked off to my parents house to get whisky drunk and play shuffle board with old guys. I'm so infinitely sorry.
As a means of a Mia culpa, I offer this: two posts this week. I'm going to give you one Thursday night and one Friday afternoon/night. Okay?
Until Then, Happy Reading

Taking a Break From Shakespeare to Watch Shakespeare

Okay, kittens. I just wanted to let you all know that I will be making a Hamlet post tomorrow night. Tonight, I'm going to see my lovely friend /adopted sister Tatum perform in Macbeth! I'm excited and I know she'll be awesome.
Until Tomorrow, Happy Reading

Something Wicked This Way Comes

You're all lovely and I adore you!

Yes, that is from The Scottish Play, but go with me here. Ads are about to be a thing on this site. They will be appearing in the left side tool bar I know it's kinda lame, but a bitch needs to eat. It's no cause for alarm. I'm actually pretty jazzed about it.

That's really all I've got for you today. I just wanted to give everyone a heads up regarding the ads.

Oh! If anyone could do me a solid and link me to some Lion King gifs, I'd love you forever and ever. I mean, I'm going to anyway because you read this silly blog, but you may get something else out of it. Maybe a mention and a special dedication? I don't know. You set the terms. Ask and ye shall receive!

Okie dokie, nerds. I'll see you this weekend!

Until Next Time, Happy Reading

Hamlet Part 5: The Madness Continues in a Timely Manner

Gather round, ladies, gents, and variations there upon. It's time again for another exciting installment of Hamlet, or: Denmark's Royal Family is a Bunch of Murderous Wingnuts. Today we're going to be finishing up Act 3. Let's do this!

Act 3 Scene 3

Okay, when last we met, Hamlet had just presented the play to his mother, Gertrude, and step-father/uncle, Claudius. Act 3 Scene 3 is a short scene that begins with Claudius talking to R+G. Claudius tells the pair that he is displeased with Hamlet (no shit). He tells them to prepare to go to England with Hamlet. His plan is to get Hamlet killed there. Whether he wants R+G to kill him or is planning on someone else doing it, it's never discussed. Which is super helpful. Because this play is not hard enough to read without missing information. Anyways, Claudius tells R+G to hurry the fuck up and they leave.

Literally Polonius

Polonius enters the scene to relate to Claudius what Hamlet is up to. He says that Hamlet is going to meet with Gertrude. He tells Claudius that Gertrude will surely scold him for what has just taken place (the play with the implied accusation of murder). He then tells Claudius that he is going to go hide in Gertrude's room and listen to their conversation and relate back to Claudius what was discussed. Again, I totally understand why Hamlet is going so batshit crazy. I would, too,if this fool was always spying on me for the dude who murdered my father. Claudius thanks Polonius and Polonius leaves to go be the shady fucker he is.

Hamlet Part 4: Hamlet is a Dick to Everyone About Everything

Soft, what update from yonder browser breaks. I have returned with more Shakespeare! Huzzah. Also, I know that paraphrase is from Romeo and Juliet, arguably the worst Shakespeare play around, but I couldn't resist. Anyway, on to the text!

Act 3 Scene 1

When we last checked in (which, I know, was roughly 6 years ago, sorry), everyone was coming up with cunning plans to trick one another into revealing things. Hamlet wanted Claudius to admit to killing his father and Claudius wanted to know what the fuck was up with Hamlet losing his damn mind. This scene begins with a return to the plan that Claudius put forth. He is discussing Hamlet's state of mind with the Queen, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Polonius and Ophelia are also there, but they don't chime in for a bit. R + G (as they will be called from now on because those names are a bitch to type out) report to Claudius that Hamlet considers himself distracted, but won't say by what he is distracted. They tell Claudius and Gertrude about Hamlet's play, but not the intentions behind it. Claudius and Gertrude tell R + G to encourage Hamlet with the play. R + G say they will and leave. Claudius then asks Gertrude to leave as well, so that he and Polonius can get down to the business of ticking Hamlet into admitting that he is in love with Ophelia or some shit. They are still laboring under the impression that Hamlet's lunacy is due to his affections for Ophelia and not due to the fact that Claudius murdered his father and married his mother, which was related to him by the ghost of his dead father. The more of this play I read, the more I am convinced that Hamlet's madness is justified. Polonius then tells Ophelia to pretend she is reading and then he and Claudius hide like fucking 4-year-olds. I picture them hiding behind curtains snickering with their feet clearly visible underneath. Or maybe I'm just imagining Hamlet if it were a Python sketch.

At this point, we are presented with the world famous 'to be or not to be' soliloquy. It is beautiful and

deep and all that. Mostly, it's about Hamlet deciding whether or not he should commit suicide. He goes over why he would (because life is generally shitty) and also why people tend to not kill themselves. The crux of his argument is this: People don't commit suicide because they don't know what is waiting for them on the other side. He concludes, "Thus conscience does make cowards of us all," meaning that he won't kill himself because he doesn't know what will happen to him in the afterlife. Although, as someone who has seen and spoken to a ghost, wouldn't he have at least an idea of what the afterlife is like?