Team 'Stop Making Terrible Adaptations of Good Books' 2KForever

Long time, no see. I know, I'm possibly the worst blogger of all time, but life gets in the way of things. However, I've come back on very important business.

The first trailer for The Scorch Trials movie was just released and boy, am I unimpressed. LITERALLY NOTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THE TRAILER HAPPENS IN THE BOOK. NOTHING. I'M SO ANGRY. Yes, that caps lock was completely necessary. It looks like they did the exact same thing they did with The Maze Runner, which is to say that they COMPLETELY IGNORED THE SOURCE MATERIAL. I just... I don't understand why this keeps happening. Just do it right. Is that so hard? There is literally an instruction manual for how that movie is supposed to go, it's called the fucking book. I don't understand. I... don't... understand...

If you haven't seen it yet, watch it. It's terrible and I'm very angry about it. I mean, I'm still going to see the movie, but just to make sure it's terrible. My hopes are coming in around the floor, but I still have a feeling they are going to be too high.

As for the rest of our business, I'm trying to start up making posts again. I still haven't read House of Leaves yet. I've read the beginning, I just need to get motivated again. I'll do it, I promise. I'm not going to provide a timeline, though. We all know how that works out.

Until Next Time, Happy Reading.

We All Saw This Coming

I ran out of time. I did the reading, but got too engrossed to stop. In that regard, there won't be a post about House of Leaves today because I now have to go to my real job that pays real money. I mean, if someone wanted to pay me to write for this site, I would literally jump at the opportunity. As that has yet to happen, this is the way the cookie crumbles. I will attempt to have a post up and running possibly Tuesday, probably Wednesday.

Thank you for understanding that a girl must eat before she can have fun.

Until Next Time, Happy Reading.

Finally Back and Ready to Comit

Hi! Long time, no see. How are things? I know I did this not to long ago, but then I sorta checked out again. Working six days a week, plus a variable writing job, and pretending I have a social life is hard work. On the up-shoot, I have started reading House of Leaves and will be posting about it on Sunday. Yes, you read that correctly. Sunday! SUNDAY! If I type it enough times it will happen.

So far, House of Leaves is great. I've only read the prologue and it's wonderful. I hope to read the first couple of chapters before Sunday.

If you don't know anything about House of Leaves, I encourage you to read a bit about it. Like, for instance, what I'm about to write here. The story focuses on a family who moves into a house that is

I have returned to the world of the readers.

bigger on the inside. Cue Doctor Who reference here. But that's not why this book has such a cult following. This book is neat because of the way it is structured. If you are anywhere near a bookstore, pick up a copy and flip through it. It's madness. The story isn't structured like a typical book. I don't really know how to describe it, you just have to see it for yourself. I'll include pictures of pages that are ultra cool or just plain nonsense. Seeing as I haven't actually read the book yet, that's all I can say for now. I don't want to research it a ruin it. So I'll just leave it here.

Until Sunday, Happy Reading.

A Suggestion for Moving Forward

What's up, kidlets? Long time no post. How are things? How's your family? What have you been up to? My birthday was great. Got a bunch of new books. Spent three days in Seattle with my fabulous boyfriend. Caught up with some old friends. Walked a lot. It was a whole thing. Vacations are nice and relaxing, aren't they?

With the pleasantries out of the way, it's time to get down to business. I'm going to try to start posting regular updates again this week. Probably Saturdays, possibly Tuesdays. It's hard to say. It will happen when it happens.

Maybe not that excited, but you get the point.

One other thing. I think the reason I've been having such trouble posting updates is because of the reading material. While I do like Jane Eyre, I don't really have that much to say about it. I'm drawing blanks on what to say a lot of the time. It's not a book that is really lending itself to my style of criticism well. I know that's not the point of the book, but that is the point of this blog, so yeah. I was thinking of changing it up a bit. I received House of Leaves for my birthday and I really want to start reading that. I'm really REALLY excited to read that. Anyone who knows me knows that I am rarely that excited about anything. We can revisit Jane later, after all. The good thing about books is that they aren't going anywhere. Unless my house burns down. Quick, someone knock on some wood.

That's the question then. Do you want to put Jane Eyre aside for a while in favor of House of Leaves? Or, would you mind terribly if that's a thing that happens? Let me know in the comments or on Facebook or text or telegraph.

Until Next Time, Happy Reading.

Excuses, Excuses

It really is.

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting lately. You see, I have a shit ton of things to do. I have two paying jobs in addition to this on. I would love to post more on here (as this is my favorite of all my jobs), but those have to take precedent, as they pay my rent, student loans, and grocery bills.  I also would like to at least pretend that I have some semblance of a social life. I know my boyfriend would like that as well. As of right now, this blog is going to be run on an "when I can" basis. When I have time to update, I will. I know that really sucks and is an extremely shitty way to do anything, but that's really my only option. I will try to post something at least once a week, but it's hard to say
when.

I'm going to take at least this week off. I have a bunch of shit I need to get done, plus Friday is my 26th birthday. Next week is a maybe for Saturday, but that's a big maybe. I will TRY to be more regular and post at least SOMETHING (a tiny update, maybe some scattered thoughts on any of the pieces we've read) every week.

I'm really sorry to be such a shitty blogger, but a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do.

Until Next Time, Happy Reading.

Jane Eyre Part 3: Things are Looking Up

I told you I'd be back. And I even read, so there's that. So let's talk about that.

Chapters 6-8

This chapter sees Jane's second day at Lowood. The girls get up and the morning, but are unable to bathe because the water is frozen. It has begun to snow and there is very poor, if any, insulation at the school. You'll find out later that this is by design because the dude who runs the school, Mr. Brocklehurst, is a massive fuckhead. Anyway, school starts with bible study and sermons, breakfast happens and the portions are incredibly small. Jane is freezing, as the school uniform is not adequate at keeping the cold out. Jane becomes a pupil in the fourth class, moving up from the bottom class. The classes are difficult and Jane is unaccustomed to being in this environment. Most of the classes start sewing at the same time, except one. In this lone non-sewing class is the girl Jane spoke with about the book on the porch. All the girls are called by their last names, and the girl's name is Burns. Burns is being singled out by the teacher for being messy and inattentive. However, when it comes to

What the fuck, teacher?

answering questions about their lesson, Burns answers every one. Jane expects her to be praised, but the teacher points out her flaws once again. This school is maybe not the friendliest place. Burns makes no answer to the attack, just takes it in stride. She is sent to the other room to retrieve something. She comes back with a batch of sticks. Her teacher then proceeds to be BEAT HER WITH THE STICKS. What. The. Fuck. Burns doesn't flinch, doesn't cry, doesn't do much of anything. However, when she returns the sticks to the other room, she comes back crying.

Hell Nope

Go Hawks!

Sooo.... How's it going? Everybody have a good week? Everybody feeling good? Great. I just want you to feel appreciated before I act like an ass. No post today, unfortunately. I had a shit ton of things
to do today and I worked something like 55 hours this week, so I didn't find time to do anything other than prepare for the Super Bowl. Seriously, the Big Game takes precedent over all things, especially when my beloved Seattle Seahawks are playing for the second year in a row! I'm so fucking excited!!!!!! All the exclamation points!

Anyway, I'll post Tuesday morning if all goes as planned. I swear to science, this WILL happen.

Until Tuesday, Happy Reading.

Jane Eyre Part 2: Things Get Slightly Better Kinda

I told you I would be back! I bet you though I was lying and/or going to back out, but I'm not. I'm totally here. I know, I'm as surprised as you. Alright, let's get down to business.

Chapters 4-5

These were long chapters so, yes, I'm only doing two.

When we left off, the subject of Jane being sent away for school had been brought up and presumably accepted. In chapter 4, Jane is alone. Like, totally alone. A few months have gone by since the subject of school was approached. No one has spoken to Jane very much since then. Christmas has come and gone and Jane has been rejected and excluded from all of the activities. The other children have been instructed to stay away from her. Jane was given her own room, simply to keep her away from the other kids. This is fucking bleak. I just want to remind you all that Jane is 10 and being actively rejected from the only family she has ever known. Poor thing.

At one point that bastard John Reed attempts to chastise Jane, but she lashes out at him, making him

Jane's not fucking around anymore.

think she's going to fight with him again. He runs to his mommy and she tells him, "Don't talk to me about her, John: I told you not go near her; she is not worthy of notice; I do not choose that either you or your sisters should associate with her." Jane totally hears it, too. What a bitch. Jane claps back at her, saying, "They are not fit to associate with me." You tell 'em, Jane, you little spit fire. Love this girl more and more with ever sentence I read. That is intentional on the part of the author, though that doesn't make it any less wonderful. After Jane's comment, Mrs. Reed pulls Jane into the nursery and forces her to sit on the bed, telling her not to move or speak for the rest of the day. Jane asks her what Master Reed would think of all this, were he still alive. Mrs. Reed is shocked by the question, so Jane keeps going. "My uncle Reed is in heaven, and can see all you do and think; and so can papa and mamma: they know how you shut me up all day long, and how you wish me dead." Holy shit. This little girl has got some chutzpah. Also, if you ever want to know how to use a semicolon, read this book. They are fucking everywhere. Mrs. Reed regains her sensibilities and decides the best course of action is to shack Jane aggressively and box her ears. What the fuck? What an awful human being. I'm glad Jane is being sent away. I don't think she'd survive much longer.

I'm Running out of Pithy Titles

No Jane Eyre today, kids.

I'm not quite positive when the post this week is going to happen. I'm hoping for tomorrow, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. If there is not post tomorrow, then it's going to happen Saturday. I can assure you that there WILL BE A POST THIS WEEK. I just don't know when because I'm busy and also lazy. Okay, see you... sometime? Eventually? Whatever.

Until Next Time, Happy Reading.

Jane Eyre Part One: A How-To Guide for Awful Parenting

Told you I'd be back! It's finally time to start our new reading material: Jane Eyre. This classic novel by Charlotte Bronte (still have no idea how to do the double dot over the e thingy, sorry) was published in 1847 under Charlotte's male pseudonym, Currer Bell. She had to pretend to be a man to get published. What utter bullshit. Anyway, let's get to it.

Chapters 1-3

It's important to note that this book is being told as an autobiography. An older Jane is looking back

Book selfie!

and narrating her life. I'll refer to older Jane as Narrator Jane when it is necessary.

Young Jane is sitting inside on a blustery, stormy day. She is glad of the weather, as she doesn't like to take walks. I can relate. Very slowly, she starts to release information about her life to the reader. There are three other children in the house, to whom she feels inferior. There is Eliza, John, and Georgiana Reed. She lives with them and their mother, Mrs. Reed, who is Jane's aunt.

The other three children are currently seated with their mother, excluding Jane. Mrs. Reed keeps Jane at a distance because she is a sullen child. Mrs Reed wants her to, "acquire a more sociable and childlike disposition, a more attractive and sprightly manner," and until she had done so, "she really must exclude me from privileges intended only for contented, happy, little children." How, exactly is Jane supposed to cheer up if she is excluded? How the fuck is that supposed to work? When Jane asks what she has done to deserve this treatment, Mrs. Reed tells her she doesn't like people who ask questions, especially children who ask questions. She basically tells this little girl to shut up and go away. This is her caretaker, mind you. Also, Jane is 10 and both her parents are dead. Fuck you, lady.

Jane goes to a different room to read a book about birds. She sits in a window seat and pulls the curtains around her to read Bewicks's History of British Birds. She doesn't really care for reading it, she enjoys the pictures of the birds. The illustrations are all of exotic birds in far away places. She first mentions the sea-fowl on their "'solitary rocks and promontories' by them only inhabited." This is a direct reference to Jane herself, who is alone. She is abandoned in a desolate place. Sure there are people around, but they are actively cruel to her, as you will soon see.

Here's the Deal...

I am the asshole.

I may have slightly forgot that I have to work this afternoon at my actual job and then I have to spend late tonight writing articles for my writing job, so I won't be making a Jane Eyre post today. After doing the reading, I simply don't have the time to do a write up. Seriously, these take, like, 2 hours to write (I shit you not). However, as I have a shit ton of time off in the afternoon tomorrow (I don't
have to work until 6), I will be posting tomorrow. Cross my heart and hope to die.


I'll see you all here tomorrow for Jane Eyre. The part I read today was really interesting, so I'm looking forward to writing about it. Which means I actually WILL write about it.

Until Tomorrow, Happy Reading.

The Results Are In...

Hello! I'm back from a rather lengthy break. I intended to post a couple of days ago and then shit happened. I was going to post this morning, but I was a bit hungover and cranky, so I'll post now. Okay? Okay. Here we go. 

Thanks to the exactly two people who voted, Mo Holmes and Cody Niday (both super awesome guys), my next reading material with be... the ellipse builds drama... Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte!

Yay for lady time!

Woo! Exciting! It's lady time. Finally,I'll get to read something for you that will involve women who aren't just set dressing or function solely as the source of manpain. Huzzah!

We will begin Jane Eyre on Tuesday (that's right, Tuesday) of this week. That is January 13, 2015. If I write it down enough times I might actually follow through, right? Right. I need to stop answering my own rhetorical questions. It's really late.

TL;DR: Jane Eyre starts Tuesday. Be here, motherfuckers.

Until Tuesday, Happy Reading.

Poll Time!

This has nothing to do with this post, I just really enjoy it.

Okay, kiddos. I need to know your opinion on a thing. It's a pretty simple thing: What do we read next? I have a couple of different options for you. As I did not receive House Of Leaves for Christmas, we will not be reading that quite yet. Maybe later. What I do have is For Whom the Bell Tolls by Earnest Hemmingway, Shada by Douglas Adams, or Jane Eyre by one of the Brontes. I'm going to go with Charlotte, maybe? Just Googled it and it's totally Charlotte Bronte. Fucking nailed it! Anyway, those are our options at the moment. If anyone would like to drop me a comment to let
me know what YOU would be interested in me reading, I would be forever grateful. I will be taking you opinions for the next couple of days (see how I cleverly got out of actually reading?).

Alright, thanks everybody. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Also, if anyone knows how to do that thing where there are two dots over an e, I would appreciate knowing so that I can actually write Bronte correctly. Google Bronte to know what I'm talking about if you don't already.

Until Next Time, Happy Reading.

Hamlet Part 8: The End's Not Near, It's Here

Yes, I just named this post after an episode of The O.C. Deal with it. That show was great and I will fight anyone that says differently. Actually, I've been Christmas shopping all day, so I'll pretty much just fight anyone. Anyway, welcome to the final Hamlet post! I'm finally done with this damn play. It has taken me exactly the same amount of time to finish as a full damn novel. Sorry about that. But

The end has come, my friends. Prepare for the deaths of everyone.

there's a lot to be said about Shakespeare. Alright, on to the text.

Act 4 Scene 7

Between this scene and the last, Claudius and Laertes had their little off-screen "trial" to determine if Claudius was guilty of killing Polonius or not. Apparently, it came out favorably for Claudius because he and Laertes are totally bros now. Laertes has come to the (correct) conclusion that Hamlet killed Polonius and asks why Claudius hasn't done something about him yet. Claudius says that it's because of Gertrude, who is, you know, Hamlet's mother for Christ's sake. Also, people generally like him and would be upset if he died. Laertes begins to plot his revenge on Hamlet, which Claudius fully encourages.

Claudius is given Hamlet's letters. You know, the ones he somehow sent from a ship while being held captive by pirates. Totally a normal thing. Anyway, Claudius is confused by his letter, which says that Hamlet will be back in Denmark the following day. Claudius thinks that it must be a trick. Laertes, however, is excited because he knows he will soon have his revenge on Hamlet.

Whoopsie Daisy

My behavior has been terrible. I'm very sorry.

Okay... You may have noticed that I haven't been "posting" or "writing" or "acknowledging your presence in any way" in the last... while. Like, 2 weeks? That's all because I'm a generally shitty blogger with no follow-though and a shit-ton of things to do. Christmas is hard. Working 6 days a week is also hard. But let's make a deal right here and fucking now. I WILL POST FRIDAY NIGHT. This Friday, December 19th (yes, I had to look that up), I will post some motherfucking Hamlet so help me god. If I don't, you are cordially invited to come kick my lily-white Irish ass. I certainly deserve it.

So, there were are. I will return to my regularly scheduled nonsense and swearing this coming Friday. I promise not to take any more unscheduled, unmentioned breaks again. Hopefully, I will be finishing Hamlet soon (for fucks sake, it's taken far too long already) and then we will move on to something different. Maybe more contemporary work, like something written in the last 100 years might be nice.

Until Friday (I fucking promise), Happy Reading

Hamlet Part 7: Sunday has Moved to Friday

Okie dokie artichokies, it's time for some Shakespeare. I know I promised you some on Sunday, but, to be fair, I didn't say WHICH Sunday. Maybe I was planning on posting a different Sunday? Or maybe I just forgot and I am trying to cover up my asshole ways with smoke and mirrors? Hmmm... The world may never know. Also, I'm pretty sick and doped up on cough syrup, so this may or not make the most sense in the world. Anyway... Hamlet!

Act 4 Scene 4

Alrighty, this in another short scene. This is the first scene that doesn't take place in Denmark. At first, we are presented with Fortinbras, the leader of the Norse army that is fighting Denmark over something or other. The war isn't super important except as a metaphor and to provide Hamlet with a reason to change from being a wishy-washy asshat to being a take-charge asshat. Anyway, Fortinbras. Which is an awesome name, to be honest. One of you should name your child that. Go on. Do it. Fortinbras wants an audience with Claudius in order to pay him respect. I thought they were at war? What the fuck? Okay, I totally didn't just cheat and google it. Apparently, Dead King Hamlet killed Old Fortinbras (Fortinbras's father, of course) and seized control of Norway. Fortinbras is apparently biding is time until he can attack Denmark and take back what is his (Norway). Fortinbras is in charge of protecting a worthless piece of land against Poland. I guess they  are at war, but with Poland. Why does everyone want to conquer Poland? What beef does everyone have with them?

Okay, Hamlet pops into the scene. Fortinbras probably isn't Hamlet's biggest fan, all things considered. Hamlet is struck by the assignment that Fortinbras and his men are charged with. Why defend a useless and worthless piece of land that isn't big enough to bury the dead should it come to war? What is the point? Hamlet takes this as an opportunity to soliloquize all over the place. He

Good job, you identified your major flaw.

identifies his main problem - his tendency to talk himself out of action. He calls himself a coward and points out his fear of death. He then resolved to be less like that, saying, "O, from this time forth/My thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth!" Okay, we're going to finally see some action from Hamlet.

One Out of Two Aint Bad

I owe the douche jar for this malarkey.

Okay, so... I didn't post an update. I had a job interview in Seattle, so I moseyed my ginger ass up there at 11 this morning and didn't get back until about an hour ago. I'm really really tired and kinda grumpy, so I'm going to forego Shakespeare for tonight. Also, for tomorrow. We're having a birthday party for my momma, so I won't be around to post. However, Sunday is an attractive option. I hereby
swear to post an update on Sunday. If I fail (and considering my track record, it's more than possible) you are all invited to kick me. Sound like a deal?

TLDR: No update today. Come back Sunday. There will be something here Sunday. Hopefully Shakespeare.

Until Sunday, Happy Reading

Hamlet Part 6: Everyone is a Sneaky Liar

Are you ready, kids? [Aye, aye, Captain!] Oooooh.... Who lives in Denmark and is kinda crazy?! Literally everyone in this play. That doesn't rhyme, but it is hella accurate.

Now that that little bit of weirdness is out of the way, 'tis time for some Hamlet to slake thine lust.

Act 4 Scene 1

Okie dokie, in this scene, Gertrude meets up with Claudius and immediately tells Claudius that Hamlet killed Polonius. Which is, if you remember back to the last scene, exactly what she told Hamlet she would not do. So... there's that. No one ever does what they say they will in this play. That's probably why everyone dies. I'd say "spoiler alert," but this play was written in 1601. If you

This works for all the tragedy plays, really.

don't know how it ends, that's kinda your problem. Anyway, R +G are also there, but they don't speak and are quickly shooed away.

Claudius asks Gertrude what Hamlet is doing now. Apparently, he has gone to dismember Polonius's body and hide it. Because that is a totally normal thing to do. I retract what I said in the last Hamlet update. Hamlet is fucking crazy. But he comes by it naturally. Everyone in this play is fucking nuts and really bad at planning shit out. Foresight is, apparently, not a royal trait.

Claudius calls R + G back into the scene and tells them to go find Hamlet and get him to tell them where he hid the body. They are to then take the body to the chapel and make it quick. They leave (again, without saying a word) and Claudius points out the Hamlet is a nut and that they should probably be careful to not end up in his cross-hairs. No shit, Sherlock.

I Owe You All an Apology

shit. Fuck. Cock. I fucked up. I totally forgot to post yesterday. I had work and then fucked off to my parents house to get whisky drunk and play shuffle board with old guys. I'm so infinitely sorry.
As a means of a Mia culpa, I offer this: two posts this week. I'm going to give you one Thursday night and one Friday afternoon/night. Okay?
Until Then, Happy Reading

Taking a Break From Shakespeare to Watch Shakespeare

Okay, kittens. I just wanted to let you all know that I will be making a Hamlet post tomorrow night. Tonight, I'm going to see my lovely friend /adopted sister Tatum perform in Macbeth! I'm excited and I know she'll be awesome.
Until Tomorrow, Happy Reading